the post that no one will read. or the way you'll know i'm okay.

the past twenty days have been so strange...




So I took what I wanted and put it out of my reach
I wanted to pay for my successes with all my defeats...
Now it seems like the unraveling has started too soon,
Now I'm sleeping in hallways and I'm drinking perfume
And I'm speaking to mirrors and I'm howling at moons


...because all of a sudden, everything was happening so fast. and at the same time it wasn't fast enough. i felt trapped and suffocated. i sat in windowless rooms with this pent up passion sitting on my chest, so heavy that my lungs couldn't expand. and when i tried my best to breathe, i would only get dizzy because the air isn't clean. i panicked. i had this ideal vision of what my life would become in the summer. i wanted it to be spontaneous and organic, but i also wanted to plan it. not for the sake of following a plan, but for the purpose of putting some futile form of reality behind something that i subconsciously knew would fail. 
and then it fell apart - probably because i tried too hard. 
but while trying and pushing and pulling, i noticed the lack of force on the other side. i was testing the scales. and everything was off balance, so it toppled and fell. 
suddenly, everything i had been looking forward to for so long appeared so bleak and pointless.

then there was a week when i couldn't function. i slept for 12 hours and woke up for a class, but skipped another class just because i didn't want to be upright. then i slept for 15 hours and didn't wake up for class because it was so much easier to be asleep. then i went to class and then skipped another because it was a struggle to lift my feet. there was a moment between strozier and williams when i seriously considered laying down on the concrete and letting everyone walk over me. incapacitated. i missed papers and kickboxing and broke my phone. i felt pathetic and weak for letting disappointment consume me. 

then, after a weekend of blooming lilies, cash tips, and an early grad present, there was a week when i was borderline manic. i went to class and watched Singin' in the Rain. and when i left class, i wondered why my classmates weren't dancing in unison in the street like Debbie Reynolds and Gene Kelly. i bought lacy clothing and chai teas without feeling guilty. i kick-boxed and cooked and had a study party at my house. i got tickets to concerts and made traveling plans to denver and nyc and tennessee and hawaii. i couldn't sleep because i was so excited about life. but when i did sleep, i didn't want to wake up because i dreamt about all of the possibilities now in front of me. Amber and i decided on selling our cars and our furniture and traveling from London to Belgium, and then to wherever for however long luck will allow. i spent 4 hours in a salon with a sweet friend who cut and colored my hair perfectly. i went to work and felt pretty.

and then another monday morning came and i wondered what the new week would bring. i wondered how i had just shifted from one extreme to another so quickly. but i wasn't surprised. i've always been a bit wild and passionate and flighty. i wondered what it's like to not live in extremes. and i wondered if i even care to find out. i decided that i don't. 

i decided that i'm happiest living week by week. when i have events to look forward to, where things aren't planned precisely. i've finally let go of the pressures of expectations of anyone who might like to tame me. i can't plan every step of the journey ahead, but i can pinpoint where i want to go and how i'm going to get there. the rest is meant to be filled in spontaneously, without worry or regret.